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DAY 18 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 6
Must remember to remove bones and fur from chipmunks before
preparing casseroles.
Toilet paper reserves now depleted. Abundance of pine trees in
yard have provided a plethora of cones, however. Peculiarly
titillating to use. Neighbors appear discomforted by my outdoor
fecal activities and loud giggling. Should probably hold off
until after dark.
Backyard hunting proving somewhat effective for maintaining food
supply. Starlings are particularly susceptible to calls of
"c'mere, you." Apparently they're unable to see sharp cutlery.
Collecting songbird eggs decidedly tedious. One omelet requires
37. Desperately hoping to bag more crows soon. Not for
sustenance. They're just assholes.
Still no redheads in sight. Must consider venturing farther
outside of comfort zone. This may require pants during daylight
hours. Remember sunscreen. Skin unaccustomed to direct sunlight.
Risk of catching fire.
Health appears stable. Excessive farting still problematic.
Experimenting with chili & curry powder coffee may have been bad
idea. Will try Old Bay & taco seasoned kombucha to maintain
energy levels.
Cable entertainment still available in cell. Have exhausted all
available movies, series, documentaries, and cartoons. Resorting
to live streams from zoos and aquariums. Now considering hunting
trip at Cleveland Zoo. Skinks and lemurs appear appetizing and
nutritious. May grab small bag of flamboyant flower beetles for
snacks on ride back.
Neighbors now watching me with binoculars. Naked deck tai chi
must not be a thing yet. Personally thought I looked a lot like
Patrick Swayze out there. Will retire to my cell. Update soon. |
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DAY 19 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 7
Night-time naked deck tai chi proving enjoyable, albeit chilly.
Upon further inspection in mirror, I do not, in fact, look like
Patrick Swayze out there. More like Patrick Starfish from
Spongebob Squarepants. Also noted shrinkage struggle is real.
Backyard hunting continues. Saw first robins of season. Look
delicious. Unsure what to use to sharpen a knife sharpener.
Spirit was temporarily enhanced by discovery of portable sound
making unit and assortment of old music storage devices referred
to as "cassette tapes." Disappointment followed swiftly, as all
tapes were assimilated by the device, clearly of Borg design.
Playback futile. Will create own music using drums and kazoo and
call it dub-step.
Micro-crocheting skills improving. Have made tiny facemask for
penis. Difficult to keep in place with changing temperatures and
mood. Will try staples.
Absence of female companionship taking toll. Currently arguing
with Alyssa Milano poster. She doesn't want chipmunk quesadillas
for lunch. Will try threatening use of darts to sway victory my
way. Noted that Farrah Fawcett looks at me intrigued. May
consider change of relationship. However, Scott Baio's
come-hither look leaves me emotionally confused.
Much too bright outdoors to consider supply run and risk seared
flesh. Will retire to cell, close blinds, and watch Charmed.
Update soonest. |
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DAY 20 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 8
Unable to update sooner. Hands very weak after Charmed marathon
last night.
Food supplies holding steady. Robins very tasty, as suspected.
Also bagged mourning doves and earthworms. Should make for good
stir-fry dish. Noted that earthworms are most easily collected
with a portable hand vacuum.
Watched lengthy and disturbing documentary on social
de-evolution and global loss of cognitive functions. Later
realized I had actually just logged on to Facebook.
New hobby to pass the time ... abstract painting with outdated
ketchup & mustard. Paintings all turn out like Pollock rip-offs,
despite attempting to instead paint images of little volcanoes
on the sun's surface with squiggly lines all around them. Also
trying hand at sculpting with Velveeta cheese.
Surprisingly large number of fellow prisoners out on furlough
... skipping, riding large tortoises, whistling Dixie, flying
kites made of pterodactyl wings, Muay Thai fighting over
road-kill, and being in general good spirits about being
outdoors. Not one of them noticed me waving from my deck, naked,
and yelling "Come ride ME like a tortoise!" Tried inviting
neighbor Bill to joust with garden rakes while pretending to be
on horses. He declined. Odd look on his face. Some people lack
any sense of adventure.
Made up with Alyssa Milano poster after yesterday's argument.
Paper cuts very ouchy.
Will retire to cell and watch Masked Singer. Rooting for Banana.
Convinced it's Elvis Presley. Update soonest. |
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DAY 21 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 9
Now having arguments with myself ... and losing. Used to be more
convincing. All I wanted was coffee, yet somehow I'm drinking
beer. Also talking to house plants. Have named them King
Gidorrah, Mothra, Gamera The Invincible, and Burt.
Spotty sunlight making backyard hunting difficult. Trying to
stay in shadows to avoid spontaneous combustion. New flocks of
chickadees have arrived. Much too swift to slay with paring
knife. Will try glue traps.
Excessive wind today. Also extremely breezy outdoors. Discovered
enjoyment of "air showers" on back deck ... twirling around
naked ... very refreshing. Flying debris lodging in
uncomfortable places, however. May require traditional shower
with water and Brillo pads.
Will attempt covert supply run for bare necessities ... bread,
clam juice, probiotic stool softener, cookies, and candles for
bikini-waxing. And Brillo pads. Must also remember more Velveeta
for cheese sculpting hobby. Concerned about human contact. Will
cover self in Saran wrap.
Can't premember legal limis for dribking and drivering. Fairly
sure 3.08. Fould be shine tru dive.
Update thoon. |
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DAY 21.5 OF CAPTIVITY
| APRIL 9th-1/2
Enough strength for additional update today.
Supply run unsuccessful for most necessities. Apparently, clam
juice and stool softener hoarding now occurring. Instead
purchased 37 jars of baby Gherkin pickles to extract juice for
various chipmunk dishes. Bonus ... pickle juice equally
effective as stool softener.
While gone, Alyssa Milano poster left me. No idea how escape
happened, but she was paper-thin, and could have slipped out
under door. Heartbroken but optimistic. Noted brief glance and
suggestive smile from attractive redhead at store. He seemed
nice.
Before returning to cell and diary, checked glue traps for
chickadees. Should not attempt harvesting while naked. Teensy
feathers everywhere. Noted that tending backyard bee-farm nude
also monumentally bad idea. Probably should not collect honey in
fanny-pack.
Fesh air smobered me up slurtly but am preturning to dribking.
How cod Alyspa Milana posher leeb me?
More domorrow if mot too foreskin. No. Foreshorn. No. Forlorn.
Thass'tit. |
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DAY 23 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 11
Unable to update yesterday. Gale force winds disrupted
interwebs. Also because James Bond marathon on BBC. No one is
boss of me.
Have found inner peace after sorrow of Alyssa Milano poster
leaving me. Her poster's loss. Plenty of posters in the sea.
Onward with optimism, and will continue to keep firm grip on
myself.
Getting more creative with cuisine in light of diminishing
resources. Crushed tree bark oatmeal not bad and loaded with
needed fiber. Baked slugs sprinkled with brown sugar and
cinnamon are tasty substitute for sticky buns. Grass is poor
alternative to lettuce, but better than kale. Rhododendron
smoothies also nice treat if made with grain alcohol.
Completed training of front yard attack rabbit to ward off
trespassers. A foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent. He's
dynamite. Noted bones strewn about. Also noting lack of mail
delivery for several days. May be correlation.
Built trampoline using bungee cords and old sleeping bag. Should
probably use outdoors. Ceiling plaster everywhere, and very bad
headache. However, device could be altered to serve as large
slingshot, allowing me to reach and slay squirrels nesting
higher-up in trees. Squirrels otherwise impossible to capture on
ground level. Too darty-darty and unpredictable in which way
they decide to run. My vain attempts probably look like Rocky
trying to choke Micky's chicken. "Catch" might be better word
there.
Telescoping back-scratcher best gift ever. Myriad uses to soothe
self, including back-scratching. Attempted using to virtually
interface with people on television screen ... seems ineffective
at undoing blouses, lifting skirts, giving wet-willies, pushing
people aside, or blocking light saber strikes. Will try again
later, having noted slight giggling response when tickling Sean
Connery. Perhaps imagined. Self-entertainment choices making me
question sanity.
Must retire to cell for brief nap. Fatigued following 45-minute
struggle to pick something to watch on television. Momentary
pause to consider 'Showgirls' for fifth time this week makes me
additionally question sanity. May order Gina Gershon poster
tomorrow. Take that, Alyssa Milano poster.
Update soonest. |
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DAY 25 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 13
Celebrating Easter alone disappointing. Hid eggs all over yard
for self but found them all. Almost as if I had watched myself
hiding them. Weird.
Supply run today. Replenished basic necessities ... milk, rubber
bands, new pair of tongs, barbed wire, grommets, and suet.
Rental shops closed. Unable to acquire flamethrower. Will try
building one. If no further diary entries, assume things went
fatally wrong ... and tell Alyssa Milano poster no hard
feelings.
Baked a pine cone custard pie. Bird droppings poor substitute
for egg whites. Very chalky. Will try Elmer's Glue next time.
May also need to increase dosage of stool softener.
Money depleted. Forced to cancel many online subscriptions,
including Girls In Eskimo Suits, Nude Farm Animals From
Nebraska, Taboo Coin Slots, DIY Notions For Adult Toys, Morgue
Peephole, and Netflix. Not sure what else to chill with when
Gina Gershon poster arrives.
Short diary entry today. Too much moisture in air for backyard
hunting or stalking redheads. Devoting more time to blogging on
website. Unsure if next topic will be "Gullible Yoga Pants" or
"Presidential Reach-Arounds." Will ponder and update soonest. |
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DAY 29 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 17
Several days since last entry. Feels like 17, but actually 4. Or
2. Or 31. Time feels irrelevant. Have lost calendar, so counting
days by beers. Apparently, it's now actually Day 1,257.
Gina Gershon poster arrived Tuesday. Also reason for lengthy
absence from diary updates. Gina Gershon poster is insatiable.
Bonus ... I can fit into most of her Showgirls outfits.
Dribbling air moisture making hunting impossible. Discovered I
did, in fact, have freezer and pantry chock-full of food things.
Not sure what goes with spaghetti. Maybe peanut butter. Brown
sugar? Sauerkraut? Interested in these frozen fish wings. And
some kind of sprouty morsels all the way from Brussels. Actual
food may confuse stomach ... but at least no bones and fur to
contend with.
Discovered box of round plastic discs containing musical data.
Odd assortment. Now can't stop playing Herb Alpert & The Tijuana
Brass. Feeling very cha-cha-cha. Will crochet tiny sombrero for
penis and play bull-fighter with gnome collection. Shall name
him Fernando.
Ordered new face masks from the cyberspaces. Expected on April
19th ... 2021. Decided instead to build a loom. Will weave full
body virus suit. And pretty blankets. And actual size
bull-fighter cape. Will try to convince stocky neighbor Bill to
pretend to be a bull. May not be agreeable after refusing to
participate in garden rake jousting. Convinced he'll play along
once I start chasing him with sabre and yelling "Ole'!!"
Frozen slush continues spewing from upper sky area. Was almost
sure spring had begun. Perhaps missed summer and fall
completely, and it's next year now. Will endeavor to persevere.
Update soonest. |
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DAY 30 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 18
Body now malformed, perhaps from continual seated position. Must
now crawl to refrigerator like arthritic tortoise in handcuffs.
Fell over last night and took three hours to upright self.
Thankful I was in front of fridge stocked with beer. Not sure if
problem getting up was beer or arthritic malformation. Will test
scenario again this morning. And this afternoon. If no further
update today, please send help. And more beer. I'll be guy in
front of fridge ... spastically lurching like Elaine Benes
dancing.
Update: Freedom from misjudged malformation! Turns out forgot to
take off leather BDSM sex harness that Gina Gershon poster
demanded I wear. Can now move freely about house and backyard.
Must come up with better safe-word. Apparently 'Roger Moore' not
effective ... as it confuses Gina Gershon poster, wondering why
I'm calling her 'Roger.'
Discovered more food supplies in pantry, including several boxes
of Squirrel-burger Helper and Stove Top Pigeon Stuffing. Must
endeavor to use items soon to expire. Trying new casserole dish
later consisting of Aunt Jemima syrup, creamed corn, Fruity
Pebbles, clam strips, witch hazel, vienna sausage, and
anchovies.
Neighbor Bill not amused by attempts to play bull-fighter with
him in backyard. Previously unaware he owned shotgun. Obvious
need for extreme social distancing from humorless neighbors.
Will also need witch hazel originally planned for casserole
ingredient ... as butt now has 17 additional holes.
Created new game of 'Exploding Robin Golf' using sand wedge and
M-80s for balls. Goal is to only get birdies.
Will retire to cell for brief nap prior to scheduled
binge-drinking. Update soonest. |
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DAY 34 OF CAPTIVITY |
APRIL 22
Celebrated Earth Day by eating some earth. Not bad. Needs
garlic.
Since cancelling Netflix necessary, built several hunting blinds
nearby to binge-watch neighbors. New series "Tom & Laura's
Living Room" rather boring so far, and each episode is 180
minutes long. Becoming certain that "Unknown Neighbor In Garage
At 3AM With Random Cars Stopping By" is actually long-awaited
sequel to Breaking Bad. One block over shows great promise with
trending series "Rachel Showers Every Morning At 8:30."
Definitely gets me up ... early.
Backyard squirrel hunting ... using modified full-body slingshot
to launch self into trees ... much too dangerous during high
winds. Landed on neighbor Eric's roof three times. Roof shingle
brush-burns very ouchy. Should probably wear clothes when
hunting in future.
Using stolen pool skimmer proving somewhat effective at
maintaining distance when retrieving mail and smacking postal
dude about head and face for not wearing mask. Also useful for
capturing small dogs. Will make Chihuahua quesadillas for lunch
and listen to Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass again. Muy bueno.
Convinced house-plants King Gidorrah, Mothra, Gamera The
Invincible, and Burt planning something nefarious ... possibly
violent coup. Hear them whispering back and forth a lot, but go
silent when I enter room. Will remain vigilant. Perhaps water
them with beer to keep them more docile. Not bad idea for self.
Will close for now. Latest episode of "Neighbor Mandy Weeds Her
Garden In Bikini Top" about to start.
Update soonest. |
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There may have been more of my ridonkulous musings in lockdown, but
alas ... they appear lost forever. Probably best. |
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