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AN ONGOING DIARY OF RIDICULOUS DAILY ADVENTURES IN THE QUARANTINE ZONE
DAY 17 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 5

Dangerously low on packaged foods. May have to start hunting small animals in backyard ... with a knife. Should serve as good exercise. Previous six-pack abs now resemble keg.

Thankful cyberwebs still functioning. Learned to crochet online. Starting simple ... making wee hats for my penis. Considering live puppet shows once I've mastered making tiny vests and lederhosen. Must also become more creative with manscaping.

Neighbors no longer seem bothered by my watching them with binoculars. Remaining safe ... keeping at least six feet between myself and their windows. Discouraged by lack of redheads in neighborhood. Evening air still chilly. May consider clothing for future outings.

Regularly self-checking to ensure health. Odd occurrences noted. No longer have butt cheeks. Hair in ears and nose growing faster than elsewhere. Hearing and eyesight diminishing. Wrinkles appearing everywhere, including toes, elbows, and armpits. Strange popping or cracking noises emanating from all joints. Uncertain as to cause thus far.

Must close for now. Require sustenance. Have prepared hearty chipmunk casserole. Will update soonest.
DAY 18 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 6

Must remember to remove bones and fur from chipmunks before preparing casseroles.

Toilet paper reserves now depleted. Abundance of pine trees in yard have provided a plethora of cones, however. Peculiarly titillating to use. Neighbors appear discomforted by my outdoor fecal activities and loud giggling. Should probably hold off until after dark.

Backyard hunting proving somewhat effective for maintaining food supply. Starlings are particularly susceptible to calls of "c'mere, you." Apparently they're unable to see sharp cutlery. Collecting songbird eggs decidedly tedious. One omelet requires 37. Desperately hoping to bag more crows soon. Not for sustenance. They're just assholes.

Still no redheads in sight. Must consider venturing farther outside of comfort zone. This may require pants during daylight hours. Remember sunscreen. Skin unaccustomed to direct sunlight. Risk of catching fire.

Health appears stable. Excessive farting still problematic. Experimenting with chili & curry powder coffee may have been bad idea. Will try Old Bay & taco seasoned kombucha to maintain energy levels.

Cable entertainment still available in cell. Have exhausted all available movies, series, documentaries, and cartoons. Resorting to live streams from zoos and aquariums. Now considering hunting trip at Cleveland Zoo. Skinks and lemurs appear appetizing and nutritious. May grab small bag of flamboyant flower beetles for snacks on ride back.

Neighbors now watching me with binoculars. Naked deck tai chi must not be a thing yet. Personally thought I looked a lot like Patrick Swayze out there. Will retire to my cell. Update soon.
DAY 19 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 7

Night-time naked deck tai chi proving enjoyable, albeit chilly. Upon further inspection in mirror, I do not, in fact, look like Patrick Swayze out there. More like Patrick Starfish from Spongebob. Also noted shrinkage struggle is real.

Backyard hunting continues. Saw first robins of season. Look delicious. Unsure what to use to sharpen a knife sharpener.

Spirit was temporarily enhanced by discovery of portable sound making unit and assortment of old music storage devices referred to as "cassette tapes." Disappointment followed swiftly, as all tapes were assimilated by the device, clearly of Borg design. Playback futile. Will create own music using drums and kazoo and call it dub-step.

Micro-crocheting skills improving. Have made tiny facemask for penis. Difficult to keep in place with changing temperatures and mood. Will try staples.

Absence of female companionship taking toll. Currently arguing with Alyssa Milano poster. She doesn't want chipmunk quesadillas for lunch. Will try threatening use of darts to sway victory my way. Noted that Farrah Fawcett looks at me intrigued. May consider change of relationship. However, Scott Baio's come-hither look leaves me emotionally confused.

Much too bright outdoors to consider supply run and risk seared flesh. Will retire to cell, close blinds, and watch Charmed. Update soonest.
DAY 20 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 8

Unable to update sooner. Hands very weak after Charmed marathon last night.

Food supplies holding steady. Robins very tasty, as suspected. Also bagged mourning doves and earthworms. Should make for good stir-fry dish. Noted that earthworms are most easily collected with a portable hand vacuum.

Watched lengthy and disturbing documentary on social de-evolution and global loss of cognitive functions. Later realized I had actually just logged on to Facebook.

New hobby to pass the time ... abstract painting with outdated ketchup & mustard. Paintings all turn out like Pollock rip-offs, despite attempting to instead paint images of little volcanoes on the sun's surface with squiggly lines all around them. Also trying hand at sculpting with Velveeta cheese.

Surprisingly large number of fellow prisoners out on furlough ... skipping, riding large tortoises, whistling Dixie, flying kites made of pterodactyl wings, Muay Thai fighting over road-kill, and being in general good spirits about being outdoors. Not one of them noticed me waving from my deck, naked, and yelling "Come ride ME like a tortoise!" Tried inviting neighbor Bill to joust with garden rakes while pretending to be on horses. He declined. Odd look on his face. Some people lack any sense of adventure.

Made up with Alyssa Milano poster after yesterday's argument. Paper cuts very ouchy.

Will retire to cell and watch Masked Singer. Rooting for Banana. Convinced it's Elvis Presley. Update soonest.
DAY 21 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 9

Now having arguments with myself ... and losing. Used to be more convincing. All I wanted was coffee, yet somehow I'm drinking beer. Also talking to house plants. Have named them King Gidorrah, Mothra, Gamera The Invincible, and Burt.

Spotty sunlight making backyard hunting difficult. Trying to stay in shadows to avoid spontaneous combustion. New flocks of chickadees have arrived. Much too swift to slay with paring knife. Will try glue traps.

Excessive wind today. Also extremely breezy outdoors. Discovered enjoyment of "air showers" on back deck ... twirling around naked ... very refreshing. Flying debris lodging in uncomfortable places, however. May require traditional shower with water and Brillo pads.

Will attempt covert supply run for bare necessities ... bread, clam juice, probiotic stool softener, cookies, and candles for bikini-waxing. And Brillo pads. Must also remember more Velveeta for cheese sculpting hobby. Concerned about human contact. Will cover self in Saran wrap.

Can't premember legal limis for dribking and drivering. Fairly sure 3.08. Fould be shine tru dive.

Update thoon.
DAY 21.5 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 9th-1/2

Enough strength for additional update today.

Supply run unsuccessful for most necessities. Apparently, clam juice and stool softener hoarding now occurring. Instead purchased 37 jars of baby Gherkin pickles to extract juice for various chipmunk dishes. Bonus ... pickle juice equally effective as stool softener.

While gone, Alyssa Milano poster left me. No idea how escape happened, but she was paper-thin, and could have slipped out under door. Heartbroken but optimistic. Noted brief glance and suggestive smile from attractive redhead at store. He seemed nice.

Before returning to cell and diary, checked glue traps for chickadees. Should not attempt harvesting while naked. Teensy feathers everywhere. Noted that tending backyard bee-farm nude also monumentally bad idea. Probably should not collect honey in fanny-pack.

Fesh air smobered me up slurtly but am preturning to dribking. How cod Alyspa Milana posher leeb me?

More domorrow if mot too foreskin. No. Foreshorn. No. Forlorn. Thass'tit.
DAY 23 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 11

Unable to update yesterday. Gale force winds disrupted interwebs. Also because James Bond marathon on BBC. No one is boss of me.

Have found inner peace after sorrow of Alyssa Milano poster leaving me. Her poster's loss. Plenty of posters in the sea. Onward with optimism, and will continue to keep firm grip on myself.

Getting more creative with cuisine in light of diminishing resources. Crushed tree bark oatmeal not bad and loaded with needed fiber. Baked slugs sprinkled with brown sugar and cinnamon are tasty substitute for sticky buns. Grass is poor alternative to lettuce, but better than kale. Rhododendron smoothies also nice treat if made with grain alcohol.

Completed training of front yard attack rabbit to ward off trespassers. A foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent. He's dynamite. Noted bones strewn about. Also noting lack of mail delivery for several days. May be correlation.

Built trampoline using bungee cords and old sleeping bag. Should probably use outdoors. Ceiling plaster everywhere, and very bad headache. However, device could be altered to serve as large slingshot, allowing me to reach and slay squirrels nesting higher-up in trees. Squirrels otherwise impossible to capture on ground level. Too darty-darty and unpredictable in which way they decide to run. My vain attempts probably look like Rocky trying to choke Micky's chicken. "Catch" might be better word there.

Telescoping back-scratcher best gift ever. Myriad uses to soothe self, including back-scratching. Attempted using to virtually interface with people on television screen ... seems ineffective at undoing blouses, lifting skirts, giving wet-willies, pushing people aside, or blocking light saber strikes. Will try again later, having noted slight giggling response when tickling Sean Connery. Perhaps imagined. Self-entertainment choices making me question sanity.

Must retire to cell for brief nap. Fatigued following 45-minute struggle to pick something to watch on television. Momentary pause to consider 'Showgirls' for fifth time this week makes me additionally question sanity. May order Gina Gershon poster tomorrow. Take that, Alyssa Milano poster.

Update soonest.
DAY 25 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 13

Celebrating Easter alone disappointing. Hid eggs all over yard for self but found them all. Almost as if I had watched myself hiding them. Weird.

Supply run today. Replenished basic necessities ... milk, rubber bands, new pair of tongs, barbed wire, grommets, and suet. Rental shops closed. Unable to acquire flamethrower. Will try building one. If no further diary entries, assume things went fatally wrong ... and tell Alyssa Milano poster no hard feelings.

Baked a pine cone custard pie. Bird droppings poor substitute for egg whites. Very chalky. Will try Elmer's Glue next time. May also need to increase dosage of stool softener.

Money depleted. Forced to cancel many online subscriptions, including Girls In Eskimo Suits, Nude Farm Animals From Nebraska, Taboo Coin Slots, DIY Notions For Adult Toys, Morgue Peephole, and Netflix. Not sure what else to chill with when Gina Gershon poster arrives.

Short diary entry today. Too much moisture in air for backyard hunting or stalking redheads. Devoting more time to blogging on website. Unsure if next topic will be "Gullible Yoga Pants" or "Presidential Reach-Arounds." Will ponder and update soonest.
DAY 29 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 17

Several days since last entry. Feels like 17, but actually 4. Or 2. Or 31. Time feels irrelevant. Have lost calendar, so counting days by beers. Apparently, it's now actually Day 1,257.

Gina Gershon poster arrived Tuesday. Also reason for lengthy absence from diary updates. Gina Gershon poster is insatiable. Bonus ... I can fit into most of her Showgirls outfits.

Dribbling air moisture making hunting impossible. Discovered I did, in fact, have freezer and pantry chock-full of food things. Not sure what goes with spaghetti. Maybe peanut butter. Brown sugar? Sauerkraut? Interested in these frozen fish wings. And some kind of sprouty morsels all the way from Brussels. Actual food may confuse stomach ... but at least no bones and fur to contend with.

Discovered box of round plastic discs containing musical data. Odd assortment. Now can't stop playing Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass. Feeling very cha-cha-cha. Will crochet tiny sombrero for penis and play bull-fighter with gnome collection. Shall name him Fernando.

Ordered new face masks from the cyberspaces. Expected on April 19th ... 2021. Decided instead to build a loom. Will weave full body virus suit. And pretty blankets. And actual size bull-fighter cape. Will try to convince stocky neighbor Bill to pretend to be a bull. May not be agreeable after refusing to participate in garden rake jousting. Convinced he'll play along once I start chasing him with sabre and yelling "Ole'!!"

Frozen slush continues spewing from upper sky area. Was almost sure spring had begun. Perhaps missed summer and fall completely, and it's next year now. Will endeavor to persevere.

Update soonest.
DAY 30 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 18

Body now malformed, perhaps from continual seated position. Must now crawl to refrigerator like arthritic tortoise in handcuffs. Fell over last night and took three hours to upright self. Thankful I was in front of fridge stocked with beer. Not sure if problem getting up was beer or arthritic malformation. Will test scenario again this morning. And this afternoon. If no further update today, please send help. And more beer. I'll be guy in front of fridge ... spastically lurching like Elaine Benes dancing.

Update: Freedom from misjudged malformation! Turns out forgot to take off leather BDSM sex harness that Gina Gershon poster demanded I wear. Can now move freely about house and backyard. Must come up with better safe-word. Apparently 'Roger Moore' not effective ... as it confuses Gina Gershon poster, wondering why I'm calling her 'Roger.'

Discovered more food supplies in pantry, including several boxes of Squirrel-burger Helper and Stove Top Pigeon Stuffing. Must endeavor to use items soon to expire. Trying new casserole dish later consisting of Aunt Jemima syrup, creamed corn, Fruity Pebbles, clam strips, witch hazel, vienna sausage, and anchovies.

Neighbor Bill not amused by attempts to play bull-fighter with him in backyard. Previously unaware he owned shotgun. Obvious need for extreme social distancing from humorless neighbors. Will also need witch hazel originally planned for casserole ingredient ... as butt now has 17 additional holes.

Created new game of 'Exploding Robin Golf' using sand wedge and M-80s for balls. Goal is to only get birdies.

Will retire to cell for brief nap prior to scheduled binge-drinking. Update soonest.
DAY 34 OF CAPTIVITY  |  APRIL 22

Celebrated Earth Day by eating some earth. Not bad. Needs garlic.

Since cancelling Netflix necessary, built several hunting blinds nearby to binge-watch neighbors. New series "Tom & Laura's Living Room" rather boring so far, and each episode is 180 minutes long. Becoming certain that "Unknown Neighbor In Garage At 3AM With Random Cars Stopping By" is actually long-awaited sequel to Breaking Bad. One block over shows great promise with trending series "Rachel Showers Every Morning At 8:30." Definitely gets me up ... early.

Backyard squirrel hunting ... using modified full-body slingshot to launch self into trees ... much too dangerous during high winds. Landed on neighbor Eric's roof three times. Roof shingle brush-burns very ouchy. Should probably wear clothes when hunting in future.

Using stolen pool skimmer proving somewhat effective at maintaining distance when retrieving mail and smacking postal dude about head and face for not wearing mask. Also useful for capturing small dogs. Will make Chihuahua quesadillas for lunch and listen to Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass again. Muy bueno.

Convinced house-plants King Gidorrah, Mothra, Gamera The Invincible, and Burt planning something nefarious ... possibly violent coup. Hear them whispering back and forth a lot, but go silent when I enter room. Will remain vigilant. Perhaps water them with beer to keep them more docile. Not bad idea for self.

Will close for now. Latest episode of "Neighbor Mandy Weeds Her Garden In Bikini Top" about to start.

Update soonest.
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Joel B Vincent  ©  1962 by Patricia Vincent
 
Miss you every, single day, Mom